The Crown Rivers (JD Wetherspoon), Hounslow

A branch of Wetherspoon's that is airside in Heathrow's Terminal 5. There is a bar on one wall and a reasonably large seating area set aside for the pub between the terminal's walkways. It really doesn't feel like a 'spoon's. Most people seem to come here to eat, rather than drink. Ales on were Greene King IPA & Abbot, Sharp's Doom Bar, Oakham JHB, Flack Manor Romsey Gold & Beartown Bear Ass. I had the latter, but was not particularly impressed. Prices are higher than normal 'spoon's, as they obviously have a captive audience. There's very little to recommend this place, but it's still the best place for a drink in Terminal 5.

A weird airside Spoons; weird in that there’s a seating area cut off from the main bar by a thoroughfare, was this bar added afterwards when a unit came vacant? Seating-wise it’s perhaps unsurprisingly a fairly uninspired grid seating affair made worse by the COVID perspex booths. Attempts to add a bit of character via some wooden pergola style structure and a brick arch, which, in alignment with the black colourscheme, made it feel almost faintly upmarket. Also as to be expected it’s a reduced menu and steep prices (by Spoons standards). There was no sign of the drink/eat divide mentioned below, maybe this has now gone the way of the dodo because of the Wu Flu. There was cask, three in fact; GK IPA, Doom Bar and Hobgoblin. Being an idiot I decided to go for the least-likely-to-shift Hobgoblin, a pint of the latter set me back £3.89 and was poor, with a hint of old line cleaner (NBSS 1). One upside is that the staff were well-drilled and efficient. I doubt I'd feel the need to drink any cask here again with that line-up unless I was desperate for a beer before take-off!

You really can't miss this pub as it's located smack bang in the middle of the concourse. I spotted something I hadn't seen in a 'spoons before - table service, with a waitress taking food orders at tables. Otherwise it's much like other 'spoons, although possibly the mass of false trees made of fairy lights is something reserved for airports. There were a few ales on, albeit nothing very exciting - London Pride, Doom Bar, London Gold, Adnam's Broadside, and Hobgoblin. They accepted a CAMRA voucher. At least this place gives you somewhere to get a pint of real ale before you head off for somewhere where real ale means nothing to anyone.

This pub is for airline passengers only

Unremarkable airside 'spoons - no surprises, but at least you can get some real ale at a fairly reasonable price. Pride, Abbot, Broadside, Hobgoblin and Bombardier (£3.40) from five handpumps

This is an airside Wetherspoons bar in Heathrow’s Terminal 5, but if you’re expecting the same sort of Wetherspoons experience you might be used to in pubs up and down the country, think again. The ‘pub’ is split into two distinctly separate areas, with the bar on one side, with a limited amount of, mostly high stool, seating clustered into a compact, well defined space. On the other side of the walkway is the formal dining area with table service and a strict seating policy – don’t just grab a table here without expecting to be uprooted and put at the back of a queue. The menu won’t be familiar either, with fewer options available and a slightly, but only slightly – this is Wetherspoons after all, more upmarket feel to it. I tried a panini and couldn’t believe it when it was presented on a dark slate with a side salad. The place was doing a brisk trade and the waiting staff were struggling to keep things running smoothly. With queues for tables building up, I decided to finish my pint quickly as I didn’t feel comfortable taking up a table on my own. The pub apparently takes its name from two royal rivers which were diverted when Heathrow was first built, before being diverted a second time prior to the construction of Terminal 5. I was looking forward to a good farewell pint of ale before jetting off for a few weeks, but found myself faced with three fairly uninspiring options – Wells Bombardier, Greene King Abbot Ale and Wychwood Hobgoblin. Clips for Fullers London Pride and Adnams Broadside indicated that they would be on soon. My pint of Hobgoblin was in reasonable condition, but had to be purchased after standing in a supermarket style queue, which seems to be an airport-only pub phenomenon. I was fairly disappointed with this one, but the fact of the matter is that there really isn’t much else worth doing in this terminal and it’s by far the best option for a drink that I could find.