Simmons, Smithfield, EC1

What was originally the Red Cow has an interesting history, for this is a pub which has an odyssey dating back to the end of the 18th century, rebuilt in 1871 only to shut in 1942, undoubtedly as a result of the Government closing the adjacent Smithfield meat market due to it being a very obvious target for the Luftwaffe; it reopened in 1946 and was renamed the Smithfield Tavern in 1952, probably to distinguish it from the [Old] Red Cow, almost opposite on Long Lane. The only clue as to its original identity are the two gilded cows’ head effigies to the left and right of the fascia; the rare Bass/Charrington sign bearing the former name of the Smithfield Tavern has also been retained. A fine history and that’s about it, for nothing of the original pub’s interior remains. There’s a modern boarded floor, a bar with mirrors and a multitude of booze bottles to the rear, with metal shaded lamps with filament bulbs over the bar; there are more such bulbs in jam jars hanging over tables which are autographed with customers’ signatures (a Simmons’ touch) and all featuring cocktail menus and tulips in bottles, studded banquettes or drinking ledges to the periphery, all tall furniture with a multitude of stool samples. Walls are clad with a panoply of tiling styles; it’s a bit like drinking in a box of Liquorice Allsorts (see website). There’s also some sort of Polynesian totem pole, looming over a stout bamboo clad DJs’ lectern, both lending an air of Hawaii Five-O to the proceedings. On high, there’s a large mirror mosaic encrusted rotating skull, spangly light playing off surrounding surfaces. There’s a pink non-descript thing with décor comprising items of sporting utensils fixed to walls, along with a stuffed swordfish, added to which there are models of Victorian hot air balloons and dirigibles glued to the ceiling. A drinking ledge offered customers the chance to relive their youth by playing Super Mario on a c. 1990 Super Nintendo console, which pre-dated the average age of the attendant customer by a good dozen years; aural entertainment came courtesy of loud (c)rap music playing over the stereo, all to the strong smell of furniture polish. There’s no real ale of course just fizz, me opting for a half of Camden Pale at £2.90 a half, served by a very friendly and enthusiastic barman. If you like naff, chintzy cocktail bars and are too young to remember the Spice Girls then this place may appeal; otherwise, the Fox & Anchor is next door.