The Bright Helm (JD Wetherspoon), Brighton

Unlike the Post and Telegraph, this Spoons was a big disappointment. It's a ghastly modern building with a long narrow bar area, a raised section on the right with tables and chairs and an upstairs bar that I ignored. The bar area was largely taken up by groups of young shrieking harridans. The cacophony from that lot combined with the acoustics from the hideous modern interior created a noise louder than anything I've heard since seeing Black Sabbath live over 40 years ago. There are ten pumps which had Directors, Doom Bore, GK IPA and Dark Star Partridge Best doubled up then single pumps with Dorking Number one and Adnam's American Wheat Street. I went for the Dark Star Partridge (£2.40) and what came back I'm confident was not what I asked for. I know that Partridge is Dark Star's boring brown beer but this beer whatever it was reminded me of Ruddles Best. This isn't a Spoons I would bother returning to.

Situated towards the bottom of West Street, this modern looking Wetherspoons pub has a great location to catch thirsty punters on their way back into to town after a day on the beach. As with most pubs that are presented with an endless supply of first time customers, it rests on its laurels and is subsequently hopeless. A healthy ten hand pumps can be found on the ground floor bar but the two banks of five were identically clipped with just a couple of guests to pick from. Having weighed up my options and waited an eternity for someone to serve me, I was then told that the beer I’d selected was not on yet. My suggestion that they might want to remove the misleading pump clip until the beer was ready was met with no small amount of confusion and when I selected another beer the barmaid felt it necessary to wander off and consult a colleague about its availability before finally returning to serve me. So I eventually ended up with a pint of Archers Golden Bright, which, unusually for a ‘Spoons, was served too warm. The ground floor is split level with the modern bar area to the left and a standard seating area on the higher level on the right. The bar area is all large floor to ceiling windows and comfy seating making it feel like a lounge bar rather than a ‘Spoons. A couple of TV screens were showing muted Euro 2012 football and rolling news. The first floor is a fairly bland but impressively large L-shaped room with its own bar and ample seating, including some that give you a view of West Street, providing a good opportunity to people watch. This place did absolutely nothing to make me want to return and anyone who has their first experience of Wetherspoons here would be most likely put off for life. It may be convenient but I’d happily walk much further just to get some decent service.

The Bright Helm is a goldfish bowl Wetherspoons bar designed to cater for the high student population of Brighton whom spend most nights getting trollied down this stretch of road. I counted ten hand pumps on the bar and the usual draught suspects, but I didn’t get to sample any alcohol as the inept staff struggled to serve in order on a fairly quiet Tuesday night. The usual food deals and plasma screens showing muted rolling mews are present. In my opinion this place is one to avoid and I’m not sure if the shattered glass in one of the entrance doors was some thug trying to get in or some helpless soul trying to leave.

Typical of a number of big-town Spoons – useless transient staff, hopelessly trained and badly managed. Thought we'd pop in here on the way back to the minibus ‘for a quick one'. My gripe is thus; it had an array of handpumps downstairs so we queued up and waited for 5 minutes. Finally got served only to be told that there was ‘no ale whatsoever' even though all the clips were on display! Grumbled about that but to avail so went in a huff upstairs (I'd decided to boycott the tills at this stage, but some of my pals had gritted their teeth and got a Kopperburg), only to find that they had a token Abbot available up there!! Arrggh! The amount of times people have complained about clips not being turned on Wetherspoons leading to frustration at the counter is vast. The fact that the little twerp who served me couldn't even summon up the mental capacity to advise me to try upstairs is truly depressing. As for the pub itself, it's a bit snazzier than the usual Spoons - glass and metal feature prominently and the door staff are big on ID'ing everyone that enters. But as the bar staff and management clearly don't know what they're doing, I won't be back and I advise you all not go either if you like your beer – the Evening Star (and others with great beer and professional service) are only 5 minutes walk away from this joke.